Kyson Alexander Chambers

I didn't know it would happen so soon. All the worries went through my head, like "What if the baby is born with issues that will be a lifetime of suffering?" or "How do we decide how to invasively to intervene?" and "What if the delivery happens while I'm in Texas or New Orleans in the next couple weeks?"

The timing was perfect.

I was emotionally tortured on Fri with some mild cramping...the kind that you normally think, oh, it's just gas. But every little pain is concerning when you are pretty sure you will have a fetal demise. Is it time yet? 

Friday evening after the mild cramping, I went into the OB nurse's station to my co-workers to borrow a doppler for my trip to Texas the following week. I had asked my boss if I could borrow one for a little while, knowing that it could provide some reassurance for my anxiety about every little cramp. So I took the doppler home to try to hear the heartbeat. I couldn't hear it, but I didn't panic, since it was probably my technique or because the placenta is in the way. I went back to OB and they tried to find it.They couldn't find it. At this point, I was like, ok, if it's time, that is ok. I wasn't panicking.

They grabbed the ultrasound machine, and after some searching, they found the heartbeat. The quality of this machine wasn't quite that of the one at the office, but the nurses convinced me the heartbeat was there. I didn't see what they saw, but I trusted them, they do this all the time.  

The next morning, I had a small amount of bleeding. I got a little panicked.  I told Adam to get ready to go to the hospital, and I took a quick shower. I called in sick for transport call, which I do every 3rd weekend...I am on call for emergencies in the NICU or if we get a transport to pick up a baby from another hospital. 


Having gone in last night, I knew I couldn't go in every night for an ultrasound from my co-workers. I would drive myself nuts (and them too) going in for everything, for who knows how long. So I called the doctor on call (who, by the way, is brand new at our hospital...that wasn't reassuring, when you are used to being able to talk to doctors you work with...I am spoiled to that). She said to wait and see if the bleeding increases, and then come in. I was thinking this too...that if it was really time, then I would bleed more.


While I was in the shower, I had a mini panic attack. I said, "this is ok, if it's time, that's ok, it's ok." Then I lost it. I sobbed, "Little baby, it's ok if you wanna go meet Jesus, it's ok." Looking back, I am wondering if this is when it started. 


Once I got out of the shower, I was talking to my mother-in-law, and I was certain I felt a couple movements. This is the last time that I was certain that what I felt was movement and not my digestion. 


Sunday was uneventful. I was relaxed. We went to church. I knew that the worship songs at church would be hard to listen to, so I just listened and didn't sing. I managed to get through those with only a couple tears. 


That evening, we met with Steph to do some maternity photos. I am sooooo glad we got these photos taken when we did. The timing for this was crucial. 


The next morning, we left for Sioux Falls to see the Maternal/Fetal Specialist. I was very anxious for the drive there. Our car kept loosing traction every time we'd hit a bump. Plus we knew we were about to drive into rain. I was getting very panicky, imagining us flying off the road, being in the hospital, thinking, "If I'm unconscious from a car accident, how would the paramedics know that I'm pregnant? Would they notice that I'm wearing maternity clothes?" All these stupid, exaggerated anxious thoughts were crawling around in my head. I finally called my mom just to talk to someone to get my mind off these anxious thoughts. 


So we get to the clinic early. We sat in the waiting room for a while. I remember thinking, "Are all the moms here with anomalies and problems, or is this the normal prenatal checkup place?" After sitting in the waiting room for about 45 min and watching the moms come and go, I realized this was the normal prenatal office too. 

The genetic counselor spoke with us first. He talked about the possibilties of what could cause a cystic hygroma, the most likely being Turner's syndrome (if it is indeed from a chromosomal cause, which it may not be). This is where there is only one sex chormosome, the X. So they are female. Most people with Turner's walk around and you'd never know they have it except they are poor in math, and they can't have children. I'm thinking, we can deal with this. That would be more than manageable. He also tried to give us a little more hope, saying that 1 out of 4 times people are referred here for some problem, they don't even see the problem on their equipment, or it has already resolved. I didn't like hearing that. It was like he was disregarding the grief and acceptance we had already gone through. I completely trusted the doctors here that know what they saw. It was pretty obvious. 


So then we go into the ultrasound. I was thinking it would be a 3D ultrasound, but it wasn't. She placed the wand on my abdomen. She looked at the baby for a couple minutes to be sure. "I'm so sorry, the heart isn't beating."


I wept as Adam and I embraced on the exam table. "It's ok, it's ok, my baby is in Jesus' arms," I sobbed. "It's ok."


I suspected this immediately when she first put the wand on, because at the ultrasound last Tues, the heartbeat was so obvious, and with this one, it wasn't. I thought about asking her when she first put the wand on my abdomen if the heart was beating, but then I waited, because I knew she was making sure and I knew she would tell us once she got the images she needed.  


The doctor came in to confirm. He said the baby would have died from the fluid overload on the heart, in medical terms, congestive heart failure.


The 5 hour drive home was hard. We made all the phone calls to family. Needless to say, the tears were on and off and on again. We talked about burial. So many questions. Never had to think about gravestones and caskets. I hate the word casket. Caskets are so ugly. Even the word is ugly. I don't want a casket. I want a nice box. A beautiful box.


I was very anxious driving into Grand Forks. I narrowly avoided a panic attack. We get home and pack a few things. I was very eager to get to the hospital quickly, but Adam just needed some time to absorb it all. 


I arrived at the hospital at about 10pm to be induced. They gave me a double dose of cytotec, a medicine that makes me dilate and contract. The night was ok, I was able to sleep for a few hrs. My sister Kassie arrived at 4 am after driving all night from Milwaukee. The pain really started getting stong in the morning. There were a couple hours of really strong contractions, then once we got my morphine PCA up to the right dose, I was feeling better.

My water broke around 1pm...the time is fuzzy after the morphine. My mom arrived shortly after that, flying in from Houston. I am so glad she and my sister were there. 

I felt something when I got up to the bathroom, so Erin let Dr Wildey know. By the way, Erin, the co-worker who I saw in the ultrasound waiting room after initially getting the news of the cystic hygroma last week, came in to work just for me. I am so grateful for that. I had been in a delivery with her a couple years ago, and she did such an awesome job at calming this mom down when she had to labor with her premature baby without any pain meds. I told her that day, "I want you to be my labor nurse when I have kids." She said, "Honey, I'd come in on my day off." She probably doesn't remember saying that back then, but she held up to it. She came in just for me. Dr Wildey also came in that last night when he wasn't on call. You couldn't ask for better care. Like family.


Dr Wildey arrived, and it was time to push. Baby's foot was out. I pushed for about 20 min. 


My little baby arrived at 2:13pm. Kyson Alexander Chambers. 7.7oz/220g. 8 inches long.


His hands are perfect. His fingernails are perfectly formed. His umbilical cord is tiny, thinner than a shoestring. His feet and toes are tiny, not as detailed as his hands. His mouth is open and completely formed and tiny. His lips and mouth look like Adam. I absolutely love and treasure that.  His mouth is shaped the way Adam's is shaped when he is sleeping with his mouth open. I will always remember Kyson when I see Adam sleeping with his mouth open.


I love touching his little hands, feet, and face. I will always treasure the moments I got with him, and the photos Erin took. I love the photos with the little ring. My mom got me a chain that I can wear the ring on as a necklace. We went to a jewelry store in the mall today and picked it out. The first chain I tried on with the ring on it, I broke down and bawled into her arms. I absolutely love it. 


The whole birthing experience was better than I thought it would be. Both emotionally and physically. The day was harder for Adam than last week was. For me, it was easier than last week was. I think that's because I mentally prepared myself for a stillbirth, visuallizing it and mourning about it then. God carried me through, giving me the strength to do what I needed to do. I can't thank Erin and Dr Wildey enough. Their support and comforting manner were exactly what I needed to get through this. 


I slept well last night. I think the morphine was still in me a little. Today was tolerable. I had a few breakdown moments. I am so glad my mom is here with me. I miss him in my womb. I miss my pregnant belly, watching it change week by week. I miss feeling his flutters. He is in Jesus' arms now. It's comforting knowing he hasn't had to face the pain of this world. He has only known love and heaven.