In the arms of Jesus

Peace. A wave of peace. That was the feeling God washed over me as I drove away from the cemetery yesterday after Kyson's burial service. I can't describe it in any other way than I knew it was a gift from God. His presence was palpable. 

I knew the day would be tough. I woke up much earlier than I wanted to...8:30 am...crazy, right? I know for some of you with children you are blessed to be able to take care of that this doesn't sound that early, but for me, on a day off, I rarely wake before 9:30 or 10. I awoke not because of poor sleep, nightmares, or grief, but because my dog Buster puked all over the bed. Didn't really wanna go back to sleep in that. I'm pretty sure I know why he puked. The day before, Adam and I took him on a walk to the park close to our house, which we often do, letting him off the leash to play fetch. There had obviously been a food fight and/or child tornado, because there was a smorgasbord of junk food on the ground by the picnic tables. Needless to say, Buster partook of leftovers. 


I was drawing on a sidewalk with chalk, something I think I may have made into a tradition last time we went to the park. It was the day after the initial ultrasound, when we found out about Kyson's cystic hygroma. We walked Buster to the park, and there was some chalk left behind on the sidewalk. I picked it up, sat down, and wrote the phrase I had said to Kyson multiple times..."I love you, my little baby. (heart) mommy." So when I returned to the park a couple days ago for the first time since then, I brought some chalk with. I sat down and wrote the same thing with an angel next to it as my tears dripped down onto the drawing. As I was finishing the angel, a few children came over to us to play with Buster. They were impressed that he would sit before Adam would throw the ball. Adam showed them the hand signal we use to tell him to sit. They emulated. I wanted to show them his coolest tricks, high five and "pow" (roll over). Buster was too excited to listen to these more complicated commands, so I grabbed a chip off the ground (which he had already had several of, so what's one more crumb, right?) to entice him to follow the command. Hence the emetic awakening yesterday.


The morning was fine. After putting the sheets in the washer, I napped on the couch for an uninterrupted 3 hours. I awoke at noon and showered. It was at about 2pm some flowers were delivered and Toby, my cat, decided he wanted to jump onto my shoulders to greet the visitor and possibly catch an escape route out the front door. The problem was he jumped on my back, not my shoulders, as I was standing upright, not anticipating his attack. His back claws dug deep into my back as he slid down. Ouch. 

This was enough to make me mad, but what made me lose it was figuring out this kind of flower that was just delivered was poisonous to the very cat who just tried to kill me via back stabbing. Toby will sometimes chew on flowers or plants, so we put them in the bathroom and shut the door when we leave or at night so he can't get them. The collection of bouquets and house plants gathering in my bathroom has quickly become more than the little counter has room for. I wasn't coping with this problem well. 

I threw Toby off my back and sobbed. I clung to the Sarah Bear (the teddy bear I got from the bereavement program at the hospital). I laid on the couch and called Adam to see if he could come home. I was planning on picking him up from work at 3pm anyways to go to the hospital together to pick up Kyson in his box. He came home early and we laid on the couch together. 


We went to the hospital and met up with Toni, the hospital chaplain. We ran into Dr Wildey in the hall. We exchanged a few words, a hug, and I cried. He speaks very empathetically. He told me today that the chromosome test was inconclusive. They weren't able to grow the chromosomes from the fascia sample they collected. So we won't know what caused the cystic hygroma. I'm ok with that. 

We went to the hospital chapel while Toni went to go get Kyson's box. I like the box. It's nicer looking than a casket. Toni prayed for us, and we left. It was weird walking out of the front door of the hospital in the middle of the day holding my son in a box. Oh how I wish it could have been in a carseat carrier. I wondered if anyone could tell what the box was. My face probably revealed what it was. Plus Adam was carrying the Sarah bear, and I had some pale yellow/cream colored lilies I'd grabbed out of a bouquet we got from our church laying on top of the box. The day before, Toni gave me a bracelet that had a matching baby bracelet. We sent the baby sized bracelet to be placed in the box with him. They pinned it to his garment. Toni also gave me a pair of matching wooden crosses, and I had one placed in the box with him, and I kept one. They sealed the box that morning before we picked him up.


We then stopped by a flower shop to pick up some flowers I ordered to place on top of his box. They were 3 roses in a hand tied bouquet, the color of roses I had in my wedding bouquet. I think they are called leonidas roses. They are a yellowish cream with reddish orange tips. My favorite kind of roses. I brought the box into the flower shop with me, which seems odd, but I wasn't going to leave him in the car. The florist looked at it strangely. I don't care. 


We got to the cemetery about half an hour early. We sat down on a bench, which was also someone's gravestone. We debated whether to sit there, but ultimately decided that this was the reason this person's family chose to make his grave marker a bench. It was a peaceful place to sit in the shade, under a wind chime. I was grateful to this person and/or their family for creating a beautiful oasis of peace for others to mourn their loved ones. 

I took pictures of Kyson's box with the 3 rose bouquet on top, next to a tree and the Sarah bear. I put the lilies I pulled from the bouquet from my church in the arms of the Sarah bear. They are beautiful pictures. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I loved the shadows the roses cast on the box in the late afternoon sun.


The service was intimate. It was just Adam and I, and our pastor from Cottonwood Community Church, Bob. It was a beautiful and serene service. Bob always has just the right words to say. His words were very comforting. He read several scriptures. I will have to get those from him, they were very soothing and reassuring. 


I clung to Kyson's box with Adam's arm around me as Bob spoke. The tears I cried softly were a beautiful release, an expression of my deepest love for my son. My tears dripped onto his box. Bob asked if we wanted to say anything. I said, "I love you, my little baby," as I wept. I placed the box on the frame over the green carpet that covers the hole in the ground. Adam gave me the Sarah bear to hold. I plucked a lily off the stem and placed it in the bouquet of roses. I took the other 2 lilies home to hang them upside down to dry. As we drove home, a peace that I've never felt before overcame my soul. All is good. Kyson is in a wonderful place. In the arms of Jesus.