It's been a while since I've posted. I just finished writing a speech for the Infant and Child Bereavement Candlelight Memorial Service next week, which I am speaking at to talk about how the Infant Bereavement Program at our hospital helped me. The committee I'm on held a fundraiser for it. It felt good to write down what I've been feeling again. I couldn't sleep, and I have to work tomorrow at 7am. Oh well.
The holidays are here, and Kyson's due date is approaching. It was December 14th. Back when I figured out my due date would be near Christmas, I dreamt of breastfeeding in the light of the Christmas tree. A few weeks ago when the holiday commercials started dominating the TV, I broke down and wept. My hopes and dreams from earlier this year aren't going to happen this Christmas. We put the Christmas tree up this past weekend. I dreaded it to some extent, because I didn't know if it would be a sad reminder of what I don't have this Christmas. But God blessed me so much because it was a joyful experience. Adam and I had some Disney tunes blasting on surround sound, and we sang and danced as we put the ornaments on. "OH I JUUUUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING!" and "UNDER THE SEA! UNDER THE SEA! DARLING IT'S BETTER, DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER, TAKE IT FROM ME!" Buster was barking away, because that's what he always does when we dance. Toby of course loves playing with the ornaments because they resemble cat toys.
I am praying that I will be joyful in December. Thankfully my dad and sister are visiting me for Christmas. I am also praying for patience for the next child that God will bless us with. I pray that I will completely trust God and not worry. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7. I pray that God will equip Adam and I to raise our future children to have Jesus in their hearts.
I visit Kyson's gravesite often. I sometimes leave notes for him. I plan on visiting on his due date. I work night shifts that week. The night before and the night of. I forgot to sign up for my schedule at work a couple weeks ago and so a co-worker called me and reminded me to do that. I told her I think the reason I never wrote it on my calandar was because I thought I'd be on maternity leave for the timeframe we are signing up for. In the rush to get the schedule put in over the phone, I forgot about trying not to work on his due date. I was thinking more in terms of "Mon Tues Wed" instead of "12th 13th and 14th" as Christine signed me up over the phone. After I realized this, I felt horrible. Then I wondered if I'd want to be at work regardless. Going to work during the week that I had just found out about the cystic hygroma was more comforting than staying at home alone while Adam was at work. I wonder if that same support will be what I'd want on what I expect to be a sad day. I still don't know what I want to do. I will go to his gravesite at some point that day, whether in the morning after I get off work, or maybe I'll wake up early in the evening before it gets dark. I figured out landmarkings to find the grave marker in case it is covered with snow.
I'm still wearing the little ring on a necklace. I haven't taken it off since the day after he was born. I don't sleep with the Sarah bear anymore, but I put it on top of the pillows after I make the bed in the morning. I made a little shadow box of keepsakes that hangs in the office that would have been his nursery. I made a scrapbook about him. We got a silver maple tree from our friends to plant in his memory, which we planted in our back yard. Erin (my labor nurse) won the DAISY award which I nominated her for. Here is the link: http://daisyfoundation.org/daisy-award/daisy-nurses/Spotlight/ErinWevers
I think of Kyson every time I see a sunrise or sunset. I never realized before how many colors there are. Purple, blue, light blue, deep blue, a few different shades of gray, white, orange, pink, red, peach. I so much appreciate seeing those now. I have hope and joy when I think of seeing him up there one day in heaven.
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